


Exposure

by daalny



Series: Life [2]
Category: Top Gear (UK) RPF
Genre: M/M
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2012-02-18
Updated: 2012-02-26
Packaged: 2017-10-31 09:55:52
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings, No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 6
Words: 7,361
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/342702
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/daalny/pseuds/daalny
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Treatment for OCD.  These events take place after the events of Water and Wine.  There are some references to that story but they are minor and most of the story is explained.</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. CBT

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Cognitive Behavioural Therapy

Jeremy wanted to hold James, he wanted to tell him that he would be all right but he couldn’t. His back was firmly plastered against the hangar wall as what seemed like torture was being performed. Technically it was a torture, at least for James. It was called an exposure and it was for his treatment of OCD. James wasn’t the hand washing-after-touching-anything-couldn’t-leave-the-house-type-Obsessive-Compulsive. He was the straight-line-order-Obsessive-Compulsive. Everyone knew he liked to line up his tools but what most didn’t know was that James felt such anxiety if it wasn’t done.

James had mentioned off hand that Jeremy was more than welcome to come to one of his sessions. It had surprised James when Jeremy had actually taken him up on it. Also here was Richard Hammond, the younger man expressed his desire to support James in this treatment. James had spent many a weekend with Richard in the rehabilition center working on memory and other skills. Richard wanted to return the favour. 

Dr. Geraldine Creed was currently rifling through James’ concourse kit. Touching things, making a haphazard pile on the floor. Then putting things back purposefully in the wrong slots. James was vibrating with rage Jeremy swore he could see it rolling off the man in waves. 

“Do you really have to touch my things?” James spat.

“The fact that you don’t like it means it’s working.” Creed answered authoritatively.

Jeremy regarded the grey-haired woman she seemed more suited to be a librarian. “On a scale of one to ten: one being not much anxiety, ten being about to pass out with anxiety where are you?”

“Good seven.” He hissed.

“What is your mind telling you?” Creed demanded.

“I’ll just reorganize after you’re done.”

Creed looked menacing,“What if I took it with me? What if I showed it to people and told them it was yours?”

James’ eyes narrowed and his jaw clenched. Jeremy then understood what was at the heart of James’ OCD. For him his self-worth seemed to be tied up with those things. If the spanners, nuts and bolts weren’t ordered he felt that was direct reflection and he himself was not ordered. Creed opened and closed the box multiple times it reminded Jeremy of child playing with a hinged toy. 

After what seemed like an eternity Creed asked James again, “What is your level now?”

“Three to a four.”

“Good, that means your anxiety came down on its own. You didn’t compulse and organize.

“Do I get my box back?” James asked.

“No, while this exposure was successful I want you to sit with your anxiety a bit more.”

Creed motioned to Richard who secured the box in a locker, which Nigel then locked. Everyone knew that Nigel would swallow the key before allowing it to be taken from him.

Richard’s eyes were glassy and Creed noticed. “I know that this seems cruel but him being uncomfortable is going to make him better. He won’t be trapped in his head and skive off to rearrange that tool chest.”

“I understand that, I do, just brings back some memories.” Richard said somewhat shakily. 

“Would you like to talk about it?” Creed asked.

Richard agreed and the two ventured off to the small table near the track that Jeremy and James were currently walking on. The pair would take a walk after James’ sessions generally it was around the BBC main offices where Creed was located and since they were not filming. With the filming schedule coming up Dr. Creed was obliging and made a house call. 

“that was intense just watching it” Jeremy finally said, “what did it feel like?”

“I was going to crawl out of my skin. Someone touching my things, not putting them back, end of the world.” He said in all seriousness.

This was the piece that Jeremy had problems understanding to him it was just a toolkit but it had morphed into something else for James. He knew that this was real; that the anxiety James felt was real he just didn’t understand why. Creed had tried to explain it to him.

_An OCD brain works differently, it fixates on something irrational and for most OCD sufferers they know it’s irrational yet cannot stop it. Many believe that if they engage in compulsion that it will stop bad things from happening._

Suddenly Jeremy had a sick thought, “James does your brain tell you that I’ll leave you if you don’t clean up?”

James was chewing on his lip so he nodded in the affirmative. Jeremy didn’t care if they were in public. He drew James to him and held him on the strip of tarmac that comprised hammerhead.


	2. History

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Richard explains to Mindy the Exposure.

Richard looked towards the infield and saw that the two individuals had become one hulking being and he smiled. Creed saw this, “It’s good that Mr. May has your support and his.”

Richard’s smile deepened, “Yeah those two, after all the excrement that they have been through I’m so glad that they are happy together.”

“He lost his wife didn’t he?”

“Aneurysm, not long after his parents. You do know that we’re not trying to broadcast this?” Hammond said augmenting his statement with a wave towards the couple.

Creed gave a great look of shock which Hammond knew was pretend, “Mr. Hammond I’m a doctor! Confidentiality!”

Both laughed and she wiped her eyes before carrying on, “Yes I know about their relationship since both have told me and I see those rags on sale at the news corner. Their faces haven’t been splashed on them with vulgar slurs so I do know that this is a private matter.”

The two spoke until the driver for the BBC came to collect the doctor. The rest of day had been cleared for them. Jeremy and James would drive home to Chipping Norton and Richard would drive to his flat in London since builders had invaded the house in Herefordshire. The trip was over fairly quickly which didn’t give Richard the time to decompress as he normally did on the drive home. Mindy saw that he was in a bit of mood and put on a film for the girls so they could talk. With Willow and Izzy safely surrounded by the comforts of animation Mindy led Richard to their bedroom. She sprawled out on the bed and so did he, “Something’s wrong, what is it?”

Richard turned on his side to look at his wife, “James had an Exposure today and I saw it.”

The puzzled look on his wife’s face had Richard running a hand through his hair. “James has OCD”

At this confession Mindy rolled her eyes and Richard glared at her, “No it’s legit and it’s not what we think of as OCD. Not that bullshit they put on telly of a bloke washing his hands or someone counting windows.”

Mindy could see that her husband was visibly upset and the tone of his voice was that of a lecturer. She knew she better listen up and pay attention since this was of great importance to her husband. “So what is wrong with James?”

“I don’t know the whole history but if he doesn’t put his tools or his objects away properly he feels intense anxiety. That anxiety will shut out everything else.”

Mindy was confused, “Wasn’t he always like this?”

Richard rolled closer to his wife, “Yes but since he’s backed off drinking it’s come to the forefront. Alcohol can and is used by people with OCD to numb out.”

“So he quit drinking?”

“After he moved in with Clarkson, they actually went out and _did_ things instead of just getting pissed. Also you saw James was starting to pack on the pounds, having one ration of beer instead of twelve saw him lose a stone or two. That’s when Jeremy started noticing things.”

Mindy also cuddled next to her spouse and ran her fingernails across his scalp—his favourite thing. “Like what?”

“James wouldn’t leave the garage until everything was in order. Wake up in the night to go check things. The stupid watch thing really bothered him. He was already seeing Creed about Spain and had mentioned OCD. She’s been working with him for weeks now. Today was a treatment.”

“The Exposure?” Mindy said with confidence.

“yeah” Richard scoffed.

Mindy stopped her ministrations, “So what was done?”

“The doctor went through James’ concourse kit and made a pigs ear out of it. The point is rile James up! Let him sit in discomfort since the body can’t maintain it the discomfort will drop but it was horrible. I thought James was going to strangle that woman and he was sweating. It was like he was watching his home burn down and the brigade was nowhere!”

“but this is beneficial?”

“Yeah I understand the mechanics of it and it does make sense. I just wish there was an easier way.”

“No pills then?” Mindy lilted.

Richard shrugged, “All they can give him is anxiolytics which will only mask the problem.”

“Weren’t you on those?” Mindy asked.

Richard sat up, “Yes but my brain was _damaged_ and the anxiolytics allowed me to calm down so my brain could heal on its own. James’ brain is James’ brain it’s _always_ been this way. 

”But this doctor can cure him, right?” Mindy asked hope tingeing her voice.

”From what I’ve read it can’t be cured, only treated—managed.”

”Well he has Jeremy, he has you, and knowing you three. I think James will be fine.” Mindy stated sagely.

This was what Richard wanted to hear, Mindy had always told him, “You’re going to be fine.” If Mindy believed it, it was going to happen.

Richard could hear the music from the television and knew from the silence from his girls that they were enraptured. Seeing an opportunity he grasped it, “Come on Mind. When was the last time we fooled around in the shower?”

He was both shocked and delighted when his wife yanked open his shirt and _plink_ let him know that he had lost a button. Mindy merely unsnapped her jeans and strode towards the bathroom. Richard was already shedding clothes desperate to join her.


	3. Broken Toys

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Triggers of why we do what we do

Jeremy kept checking his rearview mirror to see if James was behind him. Every time he saw James in the mirror on his bike he felt relief. The bombshell and it was indeed a bombshell. He thought James knew that there was practically nothing save for James hurting his children that would make him leave him. Jeremy had admitted that he knew little of OCD. He thought it was just crazy people doing stupid things because they were crazy. Learning about anxiety and compulsions was eye opening. The revelation that James believed that by organizing his tools would stave off Jeremy leaving him had him dumbfounded. He had to keep reminding himself that it was the OCD talking not James.

As James rode he enjoyed the feel of the wind against his exposed flesh. He felt it was a better sting than the embarrassment he felt. James tried to think about the day. The fact that someone else had touched his kit and the world hadn’t ended. Jeremy still loved him and still wanted to be with him. He clung to these truths, the A-road became a gentle curve and James’ hand squeezed the clutch as his foot down shifted. 

As the two got closer to the estate both noted a brown Land Rover on the drive. Mrs. Mullins, a neighbour and good friend, had been dropping off and picking up the Clarkson brood when Jeremy and James were unavailable. 

In his GT Jeremy honked his horn earning shouts from his children. He was genuinely happy that they were here. James pulled up beside the GT and dismounted his bike. Emily, Fin and Katya shouted cheerful greetings at him before shouting requests for dinner.

“What about me?” Jeremy bellowed.

“Oh shut up Dad you can’t cook, besides we’re talking to James!” Fin bellowed.

Jeremy flat out laughed; he remembered James’ apprehension about moving in. Just as he had thought the kids had no qualms about James living with them. James removed his helmet and Jeremy had to resist the urge to run his hands through James’ hair. With the helmet underneath his arm he headed towards the house with the children in tow while Jeremy went to talk with Mrs. Mullins.

The conversation was brief but informative and by the time Jeremy was done his iPhone had more information plugged into the calendar. Entering the kitchen he saw James reaching into cupboards as his children followed James’ instructions. Katya was setting the table, Fin was warming the oven and Emily was pouring drinks for the lot. It was well choreographed and Jeremy saw that each of his children had a purpose when it came to dinner and they seemed to enjoy it.

When dinner was over James pushed his chair back and Jeremy knew that the man was going to clear the dishes. He needed to intervene, “Go take a bath James, you must be like a piece of chewed gum after riding back.”

Luckily his children were on his side for once, “Yeah James go wash!” Emily screeched. James’ eyes darted to the mess on the table and Jeremy muttered, “We’ll clean it up.”

Jeremy recognized the flash he saw in James as anxiety. The look was brief but he had seen it and James know knew that Jeremy had seen it. Jeremy stood and moved towards James and whispered, “go get clean, we can take care of it.”

James decided on a bath, he could hear the tinkling of silverware as he undressed. When the water began to fill the tub the chatter and noise faded away. He picked up the bottle of oil Emily had bought him. It had peppermint and eucalyptus in it, it reminded James of a cough sweet. However, it couldn’t be denied that it soothed muscles and after the tension of the day he wanted to relax. There was a soft knock on the door and he answered, “yeah”

Jeremy came in and lowered the lid on the toilet and sat. This was Jeremy’s spot when James was shaving and they chatted in the mornings. “James can you tell me, can you describe what it’s like?”

James sank lower into the tub, “You know _Star Trek_? Well forget the devil and angel on my shoulder it’s a Vulcan and Klingon. I have the Vulcan telling me that what I want to do is illogical and the Klingon just barks ‘You need to do it!’ and the ‘it’ being clean up, organize. Like the bezel on watches when it’s not lined up with the 12 it feels wrong and I have to fix it. I swear it’s like the watch is talking to me, ‘Fix me!’”

”And if you don’t fix it I’ll leave?” Jeremy prodded

”Right now that’s the worst I can think of. You know I remember being little and I was playing with a spirograph and there was a bit missing. Jane couldn’t find something either and Sarah was screaming. Mum was pregnant with my brother so there was little help or sympathy from her. She told us that is was our responsibility to keep our toys together. She had already thrown out a board game because we had lost a piece… she hated incomplete things.”

”Sounds harsh.” Jeremy said softly

James’ toes wrapped around the plug chain periodically pulling on it, “Being a child it was but Jez, she was worn out. There were three of us soon to be four; she was still working as a nurse. Dad was putting in all the hours he could…money was tight so if we ruined a game or toy that was it.”

”lot of responsibility.” Jeremy muttered.

James shrugged and yanked the plug out with his foot he stood and grabbed a towel, “just made it a habit putting things away then it actuality started to feel good, then I couldn’t not do it, I knew where things were and Mum and Dad praised me for it.”

”Did you do this at University?” Jeremy asked.

”No, I mean I don’t think so. Very intensive, playing music all the damn time, and theory I hated theory class the instructor was crap.”

Jeremy chuckled at James’ recollection of his former instructor.

James moved to stand on the rug, “It’s strange I’m happy now I don’t want to do these things. When I wasn’t this happy the Klingon wasn’t as loud.”

Jeremy could see that James was serious. It wasn’t like others he knew that used a supposed mental or physical condition to garner sympathy. Also James was actually doing something about it. It was one of the qualities he loved most about James, he used no excuses.


	4. Control

In the weeks that followed James had more exposures and his anxiety was abating. Jeremy noticed that he hadn’t mentioned his watch. The older man had been given orders by Dr. Creed to purposefully keep his bezels off center and try and redirect James’ need to organize with other things. Jeremy had learned to use the simple phrase, “What is your OCD telling you?” when James appeared to be compulsing. This phrase had the result of getting James to realize that he was about to succumb to his thoughts and to try something else. The ultimate goal was actually a huge exposure.

Hammond was under orders to borrow his car for the weekend. James knew that he would be taking the girls to Blackpool. Thoughts of candy floss and soda assaulted him but he needed to practice the coping techniques that he had been taught. There would be no phoning to check on the car. It was quite a site on Friday as James watched Richard fire up his Panda and drive off. Since James had brought the car he would be getting a lift with Jeremy.

”how are you doing?”

“I feel a bit stupid actually” James admitted

“Why is that?” Jeremy asked as he checked his mirror before changing lanes.

“Well all this time I’ve been wasting time, organizing things thinking that if I did it then nothing bad would happen. I don’t have that power or any power. I realize now it was conceited. I think I might be let down in the car comes back clean I want Willow and Isabelle to have fun!”

”Someone else take control” At Jeremy’s words James blushed and tried to hide his face but Jeremy had seen it and had seen something else—longing.

_Oh James why didn’t you tell me!_

A buzzing near him broke through, “can you please see what that is?” Jeremy said as he waved towards his iPhone. James grabbed it and slid his finger across to unlock it. 

“Calendar alert, Mullins party.”

For once fate was being kind and Jeremy was thrilled. “Call the house and ask if the kids are ready please.”

James complied and dialed. Fin picked up, “Clarkson house what do you want?”

“Well that’s nice.” James said offhand.

_oh it’s you Uncle James. Caller ID said it was Dad, question remains the same though._

Your dad and I want to know if you are ready for the Mullins Party.” _Yeah, Kat packed days ago and Emily and I are ready, Cynthia said you should drop us off around six.”_

“Don’t think that will be a problem.” James said and ended the phone call.

“They ready?” Jeremy asked.

“Yeah just need to drop them off.” 

“James do you think you can do that? I just remembered I have to e-mail Andy.”

“yeah I can do that.”

Jeremy internally cheered he clamped his teeth together so he wouldn’t smile as the car crunched into the gravel.

The house was vibrating with energy; Friday seemed to inject the children with copious amounts of hope and ambition. Jeremy always wondered why this enthusiasm could never carry over to Monday. Nonetheless he was pleased that his children were in a good mood, they deserved it. Jeremy would feed them a light dinner so they wouldn’t scarf down everything at Cynthia Mullins house. While they snacked Jeremy asked them about their day making sure that any homework projects would be seen to. James was asked a question about a composer for one of Fin’s history papers and Jeremy watched as James lit up weaving a tale about how composers were generally employed by the Church. 

The table was cleared and James was asked by Katya to check her bag to make sure she had everything. They scampered off upstairs and Jeremy and Emily and Fin dashed off to family room for the television.

“Turn it down” Jeremy bellowed. 

The volume eventually went down to something approaching non-deafening. Jeremy’s was trying to work out how to put his newfound knowledge into something practical. He didn’t know why he didn’t see it sooner but it made sense. James had issues with control; his OCD was a testament to it. In the bedroom there were no complaints but Jeremy could finally see why James hadn’t asked for what he really wanted. In his mind that would be him controlling the situation. James wanted someone else to make the choices for him. 

Katya stomped downstairs and James followed behind her carrying her pink Hello Kitty duffel bag. The others had already put their bags by the door. After pointing wildly at the clock Jeremy proclaimed that they could go. Promises sworn that if they wanted to come home at any time they could phone at anytime and be picked up, with that out of the way they followed James outside and into car. 

With the house quiet he imagined that the answer to his problem would come to him in a beam of light. When no choirs were heard he thought of what James liked, so far talking was a huge turn on. Jeremy invariably thought of Francie, once he had found one of her rubbish romance novels as he called them. He had read through a portion of the book that Francie had dog-eared. In it the heroine was being seduced by a domineering man the dialogue was interesting. He had asked if Francie like that sort of thing. She had laughed and said the book made her tingle. Later that week Jeremy had tried a variation of the lines but hadn’t felt comfortable. Francie had laughed then they both laughed. All in all that night had been satisfying but the aim of commanding lines and authority had morphed into comedy. He didn’t want James laughing at him, not for this. However, he wanted James to be truly comfortable with who he was. He was slowly doing that with his treatment for OCD and hopefully Jeremy could help him with this.

When James returned from the drop off he found Jeremy at his computer, iPod firmly screwed into his ears and he was drafting what appeared to be an e-mail. 

”Kids all right?” Jeremy shouted and James smiled he knew that he was very protective of his children.

”Do you mind if I go?” James pointed upstairs to signal and Jeremy nodded. It had become a new routine for James to take a bath. It was a healthy way to relieve stress and Dr. Creed had told him and Jeremy “we never break habits we just form new ones. Hopefully the new one will be healthier than the old one.”

”Not at all take your time” Jeremy bellowed. James smiled again it was good to see Jez relaxing with his music. Sitting on the edge of the tub James spun the taps letting the water fill the tub. He disappeared briefly to retrieve his pajamas and a fresh towel placing both on bench near the door. He then took off his clothes placing them in a somewhat neat pile under the bench. The bath called, he went happily he climbed in with the taps still running making sure he had enough water. While this was going on he was unaware that Jeremy’s arm snaked through the door and snagged his pajamas.

James luxuriated in the bath, after a day spent in and out of cars and in and out of offices it was nice to just soak. He had no clue how long he spent in the water but he got out before his fingers wrinkled. Padding softly to the bench he retrieved his towel but his pajamas were gone. He was certain he had picked them up but it wouldn’t have been the first time that he had dropped them. He didn’t want to stroll out into the bedroom to get more not because he was modest but because the temperature in the bathroom was warm. 

“Jez!” James shouted but when no reply was heard he realized that the man must still have his iPod on full bloody blast. Toweling off vigorously and muttering curses under his breath James made sure any droplet of water was absorbed by the fluffy cotton. Bracing himself for the onslaught of cooler air he opened the door and stepped into the bedroom.

The expected chill never came for James was wrapped in pair of strong arms and pulled against a warm body—a naked warm body.

“What are you doing?” James asked a bit shakily.

Jeremy hoped he was right and answered, “Whatever I want.”

Those words had James sucking in a breath as if he had seen a pristine condition airfix set. Jeremy was pretty certain there would be no laughter at his words. He turned James in his arms and kissed him. More surprises were had when James realized that Jeremy must have brushed his teeth or eaten an entire packet of Polo mints. Jeremy ran his hand through James’ hair and fisted some possessively, he used this gently pull James’ chin up so he could nuzzle the throat.

James was making tiny noises and Jeremy wanted more, “I want to hear you.” His voice demanded but when none were forthcoming he spoke again, “That’s what I want.”

Taking a moment to remember where he was and who he was with James let him self go. Jeremy nibbled on a pulse point and James replied, “I like it when you do that.”

The taller man was employing every trick he knew to get the other to lose his mind. A trailing hand down the back earned a shiver and when their hips collided a throaty, “yes” was uttered. Jeremy began moving and James mirrored his movements only backwards. A gentle push and James was falling onto the King sized bed. He lay there as Jeremy stared at him, when he didn’t’ join him on the bed James began to squirm.

“What’s wrong?” James asked.

“Nothing” Jeremy delivered as he continued gazing over James’ body.

“Then what are you doing?”

“Did you not listen…I’m doing whatever I want.” Again those words had James melting onto the bed. James felt a peace he had never felt, he didn’t have to think there was no anxiety. There were no running thoughts of _Should I do this? Will he like that?_ all he had to do was just _be_. Jeremy saw the moment of true surrender and it made him feel high. Quickly he joined James on the bed and they became a tangled mess of limbs and mouths. Jeremy spoke against James flesh, “Tell me what you like, that’s what I want.”

A litany of “that, there, more, yes and harder” escaped James’ mouth and Jeremy felt equal parts smug and skilled. James hand moved between them and Jeremy ensnared it placing above James’ head, “Keep it there.” Jeremy didn’t have to add, “That’s what I want.”

Fingertips, tongue and teeth all had James trembling and they hadn’t even gotten to the main event. Jeremy wasn’t sure if he himself could last until the main event. He had never felt such arousal just at watching another. He was achingly hard and his body cried out to just move against James’ to gain some friction to alleviate the ache. He grabbed a shoulder and turned James on his side. Reaching over to the bedside table he managed to palm a small bottle. Jeremy whispered, “Whatever I want” over and over and James merely replied, “Yes.”

Heat, glorious and smooth surrounded him and Jeremy swung his arm over James pulling him close. He rolled his hips and making James moan and he did again and again. As with all good things this too would end. Jeremy could feel James tense beneath him and told him, “that’s what I want.” Those simple words had James flying and Jeremy flew with him moments later.


	5. Empathy

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> the shoe is on the other foot

Breakfast was a lazy affair the two men slurped coffee, which Jeremy had made with the French Press. Clarkson was a snob when it came to cars and coffee. While he put up with drip machine that James used if Jeremy was making coffee he insisted on “proper coffee” as he called it. With the children gone it was open season for Jeremy to de clutter his office. The spare bedroom, which once had been James’ bedroom, had been converted for James’ use. In it was his laptop and toys. Jeremy had sold his piano so James could move his into the music room. Everything else James had blended into the other possessions at Chipping Norton. They even had photos, when Hammond had learned that James would be moving in Mindy had suggested buying a housewarming present. Richard had approached the archives department and on his own went through the early seasons and had frames taken from the film and converted into photos. While most were in album one was framed and hung on the wall. It was during their trip to the North Pole, both were tired, scruffy and weary. However, there was camaraderie that shone in their blue eyes as they looked at one another in triumph of making it magnetic north. The Saturday was spent doing mundane things; James worked on his motorcycles and was able to leave a mess without compulsing. 

Saturday passed, the children returned, as did the Panda. James merely asked, “Girls have a good time?” Richard took out his camera and showed them the small digital thumbnails of what he had taken. There was no bucket or hose already on the drive; James didn’t even inspect the car. 

Come Monday James and Jeremy were heading to Dunsfold. Mrs. Mullins would be picking up the children. Jeremy was scheduled to go to Germany to Nürburgring to film a piece with Sabine later in the week. As he grabbed his keys and wallet from the dresser he knocked off James’ watch. Picking it up he noticed something. First of all James had his watches laid out in a row, some were analog some digital. Most were unobtrusive in colour—black or brown. His beloved Orange watch stood out and then Jeremy finally caught on that none of them had bezels. Jeremy kept that in mind as he trod down the stairs.

The dilapidated trailers which made up the offices at Dunsfold seemed homier then the modern offices at the BBC. Dealers were sending cars to be power tested; it was Jeremy’s favorite time. Richard was examining a new Porsche and getting grief from Jeremy and James. A mobile rang, “Whose phone is that?”

A chorus of “Not mine” had Jeremy scrambling for his phone. He checked the caller ID and seemed to stiffen. He answered, “This is Jeremy Clarkson.”

James couldn’t hear the other person but he knew by facial expression that something was amiss.

Jeremy started moving and James moved to intercept him. Richard was the only one who seemed capable of speaking, “What’s going on?”

Jeremy turned, “School phoned Katya is in the nurses office with a headache.”

James and Richard both knew what Clarkson was thinking. They knew better than to say anything. “I’m going to get her. Can you get the others?”

James was a bit confused, “you’re not going to just get all of them?”

Jeremy tried to remember that it was James talking to him so he reined his temper. “I’m picking up Katya then I’m taking her to hospital. I don’t want the others going so can you pick them up when school gets out I don’t want them worrying.”

James knew there would be no more discussion, he just watched as Jeremy strode determinably to the car. As Jeremy drove off James turned to Richard, “How in the hell am I going to get them not to worry? When I pick them up and Kat isn’t there they will ask me, I can’t lie, they’ll go spare.”

“Well let’s deal with that if it comes. Where will he take her?”

“War memorial” James delivered.

Richard flicked his wrist, “It’s only gone half eight now, and they could be in and out before three. Or at least you’ll have some news.”

Just after twelve Jeremy phoned. 

_Doctors think it’s a problem with her eyes. Needs to see an optometrist._

“They certain?”

_Yeah I demanded an MRI told them I would pay for it out of pocket and that it had to be done today. According to the radiologist her brain is developing normally._

“Do you still need me to get the others?”

_No I’ll do it, I’m already out here. Besides there a eye doc that can fit Katya in today so we’ll be doing that._

“You all right?”

 _Yes just paying the price of being a parent_

James told Richard the news and they both visibly relaxed. 

“I feel like a need a drink” Hammond stated.

James chuckled, “you and me both.”

One of the trailers had a small fridge; they treated themselves to a pint before getting back to work. James purposely stayed late so Jeremy could have uninterrupted time with his children when he did finally leave he still had to borrow a car since Jeremy had left him stranded at Dunsfold. The A-road back was quiet the absence of streetlights seemed to elongate the journey. When he came back into the found Jeremy nursing a glass of wine, the bottle was half full. James made a give me motion and the other man surrendered the glass. James spun it before inhaling deeply, “viognier” he said softly.

Jeremy took back the glass and raised it to him in a salute of being right. “Katya has astigmatism the repeated looking up a the projector then looking down at her notebook kept putting her focus out of whack and gave her a whopping headache. Needs glasses guess what type of frames she picked?”

James smiled, “Knowing Kat I’ll wager Hello Kitty frames and they are probably pink.”

Jeremy chuckled, “White actually but bang on for the best seller of Sanrio.”

James could see that Jeremy was contemplative something he hadn’t seen in awhile. Generally when he was like this he was crammed into a 1959 Mercedes.

“I understand now.” Jeremy said softly.

“What’s that?” James asked keeping his voice just as quiet.

The sitting man craned his head, “The Klingon and Vulcan. I don’t want to leave for Germany and the Vulcan is telling me that I can go things will be fine you’re here to look after them. The Klingon is telling me that if I go something will happen and right now the Klingon is louder.”

James picked up the wine bottle and turned it so he could look at the label, “Wine helping?”

Jeremy made a face “A bit, but I actually feel sick.”

“Anxiety” James delivered.

Jeremy lowered his head it what looked to James as shame, “I’m sorry that I made fun of you about this.”/p 

“When?”

“On the show when I said you had OCD with the tampons and watch.”

“Well you were right I do have it.” James said matter-of-factly.

“I mean make fun of it. If this is what you feel when things are out of place…” He trailed off.

“You want to get better.” James asked and Jeremy nodded. “Go to Germany, consider it an Exposure.”


	6. Tradition

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Gifts

Jeremy went to Germany as told. Sabine had picked him from the airport. While she and Jeremy bickered often she was devastated when she had learned about Francie. She had been one of many at her funeral and she was one of the few that Richard Hammond didn’t shoo away when wanting to express condolences towards the widower.

“wie geht es Ihnen?” (how are you?) She asked softly and cringed apologetically. 

“Viel besser” (Much Better) he replied which had Sabine emitting a gasp of shock. She quickly recovered and gave him the European kiss of friendship. There were some camera flashes but both could care less. They got into the car and Sabine began navigating the streets. At a red light Jeremy stated, “James taught me.”

Sabine took a moment and realized that Jeremy _was_ better than the last time she saw him. “Would you like to go to the hotel first?”

“Actually I want to get as much done was we can today.” He said evenly.

Sabine checked a mirror, “Fed up with me already?”

“No, Sabine.” He then told her of the ordeal with Katya and his desire to get back home. 

She changed lanes, “to the ring we go.”

As her hand manipulated the wheel the sun glinted off of her wrist and Jeremy got one of his ideas. The idea was soon tucked away for he had forgotten how much he loved the Nürburgring, the noise the car made as it entered the mini-carousel and roar of the engine as he gunned it all the way to end. It took sometime before Jeremy could get back into his 10 minute average and Sabine was screaming at him through his radio. He merely laughed and goaded her on. 

So far James had had no contact from Jeremy, no phone calls to check in and of that he was glad and envious. While he didn’t wish OCD on anyone he was slightly annoyed that he was stuck with it. He had to stop his thought for self-pity was a trigger for his compulsions. He heard his name being screamed by Fin and went to go see what the problem was. 

Jeremy filmed for two days before flying back to England. He had been picked up by the BBC and deposited at home. The last time he had the house to himself was when his children were in New York and James had gone to Spain. Once again he went through the house. The children’s bedrooms had the air that they had been vacated in a hurry. Papers littered the floor in Emily’s room, Katya’s room had the bed unmade and in Fin’s room he found the television on. Jeremy simply stacked the papers, put the pajamas in the hamper and switched off the television. He went James’ workroom. He was pleased to see an airfix model out and the pieces scattered across the desk. The only concession was the paints; it had been secured tightly and placed neatly in a row. Moving to his own bedroom he found the bed made it called to him and realized that he was tired. While he had slept in Germany apparently it wasn’t enough. The children would be back in about two hours and James would be with them. He couldn’t believe it was Friday again; a whole week had passed since that night. He smiled in memory yet it was shortlived as his smile broke as he yawned. Toeing off his shoes he lay on the bed and within minutes drifted off to sleep.

The black Panda was filled, bags in the back and bodies in the seat. Emily was in the front passenger seat and was demanding control over the radio. Protests from the back and James rolling his eyes, reaching into the center console he withdrew his iPod. “If you can’t find something on this we’re listening to Radio 1.”

Emily took up the challenge and began scrolling through the music. “Uncle James don’t you have anything good?”

James bristled, “That _is_ good music.”

Getting back to the house was quite a relief for James, for the entire trip he had had his music library picked apart by Teens and a preteen. As the car crunched onto the gravel James turned to address the three, “All right inside uniforms off and in the hampers so they can be washed. We will make dinner and those that don’t want to cook can work on homework until dinner is finished.”

“But it’s Friday!” All three shouted simultaneously

James took a deep breath before delivering, “Yes and you can work on it for a bit, just a bit actually, take stock of what you have to do! That way I’m not rushing to and fro Sunday Evening because you have conveniently forgotten a project.” Fin shook his head, “You’re a slave driver do you order Dad about like this! He must love you an awful lot.”

While there were moans all around the three disembarked from the Panda and actually did what James asked. Uniforms were shed, and Fin went to the kitchen. Katya and Emily made a list of what their homework assignments were. James saw that Jeremy was crashed out and shut the door to the bedroom.

“Is Dad all right?” Katya asked worry lacing her voice.

“He’s fine just getting some kip.”

“Plane lag?” She inquired.

James smiled and motioned for her to go downstairs, “Something like that.”

The smells of cooking woke Jeremy and he trod downstairs. Water was on the boil and box of pasta was out. Fin dumped the contents into the stainless steel pot and James gave Katya a cue, her hands punched in commands and the timer began. The oven was glowing and emitting the aroma of garlic. “Wondering when you would wake up.” James lilted.

The three younger Clarkson’s greeted their father, then pot boiled over they went back to cooking. Spaghetti bolognaise and garlic bread soon was laid out in offering at the table. Nearing the end of dinner Katya piped up, “Did you get us anything Dad?”

What James didn’t know was that this was a tradition; whenever Jeremy had to leave the country for a shoot or a press conference he always came back with something for his children. For Katya a Hello Kitty journal, Fin got a new CD of the finest Death Metal a German band of course, and Emily a handbag. James watched as the faces lit up and conversation began. Fin was adamant of playing his new CD while Jeremy admonished that headphones were a must. A handbag was Jeremy’s signal to Emily that she could begin her driving lessons, which were met with gasps of delight. Katya nudged his hand with her journal and he bent down to hear her soft voice telling him that the cat on the left was Kitty White and the cat on the right was the twin sister Mimmy. He was genuinely engrossed in Katya’s lesson of Hello Kitty. The kids left the table with their swag to admire it their rooms. 

“Didn’t think I would forget you?” Jeremy said as he passed James a box. The cube had the word Kronsegler emblazoned on it. James had an inkling of what the box contained. He opened it and his suspicions were confirmed it was a watch. Jeremy observed James’ face he saw gratitude and then confusion and he began to smile. The watch in question had a timing mechanism on the side, the general three-button arrangement of time start, time stop and reset. However, the watch also had a bezel. James tried to manipulate it but found it had been mounted securely and off center, “Oh you pig!” James hissed as Jeremy laughed in merriment. Nonetheless he removed the watch he was wearing to put on Jeremy’s offering. It would be later when he would finally read what was engraved on the back, one word-Exposed.

**Author's Note:**

> Based on my experience with OCD


End file.
